


it's not someday yet

by iihappydaysii



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Discussion of masturbation, M/M, a little awkward, discussion of coming out, like how do i do it, martyn tries but it's not perfect, oh well, wow this was hard to tag without dan being in it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 20:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14776943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Martyn talks to Phil after walking in on him wanking to gay porn.





	it's not someday yet

“We need to talk about this, Phil,” Martyn whispered as he shut the door to Phil’s room. 

“No, we don’t.”

Phil didn’t even sort of want to talk about this, but when Martyn sank his teeth into something, it was nearly impossible to get him to… un-sink. He just wanted to crawl under his bed and disappear.   


“But you were—“   
  
“It doesn’t mean anything!” Phil’s voice cracked. “Everyone does it.”

Phil wished that were true. He wished everyone’s internet history was filled with gay porn. He wished everyone rubbed one out to it, like he did. Like his brother had just caught him doing. 

God, he was going to die of embarrassment.

“I don’t do it,” Martyn said.

Of course he didn’t. Martyn was straight, and cool, and fit--a walking list of all the things Phil was not. He didn’t jerk off to men.

Phil buried his face in his hands, knees tucked into his chest. “Just leave me alone.”

Martyn sat down on the edge of bed. “Phil… are you gay?”

“ _ Shut up _ ,” Phil spoke through the hands he was still hiding behind.

“Because if you are, you can tell me.”

“I’m not.”

Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn’t. He didn’t fully understand it himself. How the hell was he supposed to explain it to Martyn?

“ _ Phil _ .”

“I don’t know if I am, okay?” Phil just wanted this discussion over. He hadn’t been ready for it. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready for it.

“But, like, you’re wanking. To blokes... Do you always wank to blokes?”

“Not always.”  _ Not technically. _

“Do Mum and Dad know?” Martyn asked.

“No! And you can’t tell them!”

“I’m not going to, but I reckon you should.”

Phil knew Martyn didn’t mean anything by pushing this, but it still sucked.

“Why the _ hell _ would I tell them I’m wanking?”

“Not about the wanking, Phil. About the gay thing.”

“Yeah, no thanks.”

“Why don’t you want to tell them? They won’t--”

“Because Martyn,” Phil snapped. “It’s weird. It’s a weird thing to tell them. It feels like talking to Mum and Dad about sex. Do you want to talk to Mum and Dad about sex?”

Martyn sighed. “No but—“

“But nothing, Martyn. It’s not like it matters right now anyway. They don’t need to know.”

“What about when you get a boyfriend?” 

A boyfriend. Phil couldn’t even imagine it right now. Even in a vague thought, he could not imagine bringing a boy home to meet his family the way Martyn brought home girlfriends. 

“They don’t need to know.”

“They’ll still love you, you know?”

“Yeah.” Phil let out a breath.  _ “Still _ .”

There it was. The thought that kicked him in the chest every time he tried to imagine telling his parents. The thought of earing words like that. We  _ still  _ love you. We love you  _ no matter what.  _

Maybe someday he’d be ready for it. It wasn’t someday yet. 

  
  



End file.
